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Did you know that envelopes can't reproduce?.... it's because they're all mail

I had a terrible nightmare in which i was forced to eat my own clone...I almost shat myself

i received a leaflet in the post about anger management...i lost it

Three tons of hair have been stolen from a wig factory....police are combing the area

Why did the grape cross the road?....No raisin

Why didn't the melons get married?....Because they cantaloupe

How do you stop a dog from barking in the back of the car?......Put him in the front

What has two arses and kills people?...an assassin

What do you call fake potatoes?...imitaters

My friend couldn't afford his water bill ...so i sent him a 'Get well soon' card

Spring is here ...i got so excited i wet my plants

I recently bought a new toilet brush...long story short i'm going back to paper

The doctor handed me a cup and said "urinate"..... Thanks i said "i thought i was a six out of ten at best"

I had a quiet game of tennis today.... it's just like regular tennis but without the racket

If you get pregnant in the Amazon....it's next day delivery

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