O/T Dad Jokes 8

[phild]

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Did you know that envelopes can't reproduce?.... it's because they're all mail

I had a terrible nightmare in which i was forced to eat my own clone...I almost shat myself

i received a leaflet in the post about anger management...i lost it

Three tons of hair have been stolen from a wig factory....police are combing the area

Why did the grape cross the road?....No raisin

Why didn't the melons get married?....Because they cantaloupe

How do you stop a dog from barking in the back of the car?......Put him in the front

What has two arses and kills people?...an assassin

What do you call fake potatoes?...imitaters

My friend couldn't afford his water bill ...so i sent him a 'Get well soon' card

Spring is here ...i got so excited i wet my plants

I recently bought a new toilet brush...long story short i'm going back to paper

The doctor handed me a cup and said "urinate"..... Thanks i said "i thought i was a six out of ten at best"

I had a quiet game of tennis today.... it's just like regular tennis but without the racket

If you get pregnant in the Amazon....it's next day delivery

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[kettering_baggie]

Good stuff, excellent!

[Bombers right foot]

I come from a family of police marksmen, except my grandfather who was a bank robber, he died quite recently surrounded by his family


About a month before my other grandfather died we covered his back in lard, he went downhill pretty quickly after that


I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds, after a while I thought I wonder how long he’s been dead

[Stevil81]

A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

[mickd1961]

A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

Bloke goes to the doctors complaining that his sh it is coming out shaped like chips.

Doctor asks him to drop his trousers and pants and then reaches into a drawer and pulls out a big pair of scissors.

The patients asks the doctor….”what the fk are you going to do with those!?”

Doc replies….,”Cut 6 inches off your string vest!”

[kettering_baggie]

The BBC news website has a short clip of an elephant taking a stroll outside a supermarket in Italy (true, no joke), it didn’t use any minor roads to get there, it stuck to the trunk roads……!