O/T Friday neet joke time (adult content) if easily offended go on Owls Mad

[kempo]

I'M in the clique' gang thanks for that.....do I get a badge ?

Yes..many on here collect them I seem to remember.

[Brin]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

[Brin]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?




He worked it out with a pencil

[Yak]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball ?

She gagged

[Yak]

Why isn't there a pregnant barbie ?

Ken came in another box

[Brin]

How do they name Chinese baby's?


They throw silverware down the stairs until they hear something they like.

[Brin]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's because he's inside your f.ucking cat."

[Brin]

1. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

2. How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

3. Why are men like diapers?

They’re usually full of s.hit, but thankfully disposable.

4. What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow.

5. What’s better than a cold Bud?

A warm bush.

6. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

7. What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

8. What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.

9. How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

10. What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this s.hit.

11. What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

12. What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip-off.

13. What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

14. How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.

15. What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?

How come we spend so little time together
17. Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a p.enis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

18. Why don’t little girls fart?

They don’t get assholes til they’re married.

19. What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.


21. What do you call a nanny with breast implants?

A faux-pair.

22. How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

23. What do women and noodles have in common?

Both wiggle when you eat them.

24. What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?

A white Christmas.

25. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.

26. What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?

A tearjerker.



28. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.

29. What’s the real definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body—except his.



31. How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

32. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

33. What do you call a ***-crazed gay cannibal?

A head hunter.




36. Why did the snowman suddenly smile?

He could see the snowblower coming.

37. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a cell phone?

Nothing! Every c.unt’s got one.

38. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next you girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.



40. How are women like linoleum floors?

If you lay ’em right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years or so.

41. What’s the square root of 69?

Ate something.

42. What do you do when your cat’s dead?

Play with the neighbor’s ***** instead.

43. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

44. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

45. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?

A dictator.

46. Why did Jesus die a virgin?

Every single “wound” he touched closed up.

47. How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking s.hit from someone.

48. What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?

“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

49. What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?

She’s got small tits.