OT - One liners

[Trickytreesreds]

My grandad survived a mustard gas and pepper spray attack. He's a seasoned veteran now.

[MadAmster]

A friend of mine recently had a neck brace fitted. He's never looked back since...

[Trickytreesreds]

the man who invented knock - knock jokes, got a no bell prize for it.

[MadAmster]

I was injured when a massive vat of tonic water burst at the factory where I was working
I was Schwepped away.

[MadAmster]

I used to be an archaeologist and wasn't very good at it.
I soon realised that, my career was in ruins!

[MadAmster]

On the train back to Birmingham on Sunday, a woman sat opposite said to me that, every time I smile she gets the urge to invite me back to hers. I asked if she was single. Turns out she's a dentist.

[Trickytreesreds]

The young couple next to me have recently made a *** tape.
Obviously, they don't know that yet.

[Trickytreesreds]

I used to go out with a parachutist with IBS.
But she shat on me from a great height.

[MadAmster]

A bit short on readies at the moment so I won't be buying any apples for Halloween this year.

That should save a bob or two.

[Geoff Parkstone]

What's the difference between 'Oooh!' and 'Aaah!'?
About three inches.