OT - One liners

[Geoff Parkstone]

A man has been admitted to Royal Derby Hospital with 15 toy plastic horses inserted in his rectum. A spokesman described his condition as stable.

[ramAnag]

A liar, a cheat, a racist and a charlatan went into a bar and the barman asked… ‘your usual Mr. Farage?’

[Geoff Parkstone]

well I guess thats one line, but otherwise Im not convinced it qualifies as a joke since most often jokes are fictitious

[Ram Pant]

My new Christmas sweater shop opens in Spain tomorrow. I'm calling it Fleece Navidad.

[Ram Pant]

I just tried the McDonald's Christmas menu.

It definitely tastes better than their food!

[swaledale]

Sadiq Khan blamed today blamed an earthquake was responsible in Tower Hamlets, after a bunk bed collapsed killing 37 Bangladeshi's

This doesn't make sense apart from being about as tasteless as is to be expected from a **** like you.

[Geoff Parkstone]

These cold mornings, eh. Someone wrote "Mong" I the frost on my car windscreen today. Took me 40 minutes to lick it off.

[Ram Pant]

To the rotten sod who stole my anti-depressants... I hope you're chuffin' happy now.

[Ram Pant]

The chaps who invented golf didn't think things through. They decided to call 1 under par at a hole, a birdie, 2 under an eagle and 3 under a partridge. It's at this time of year one realises.... you can't get a partridge on a par three.

[Ram Pant]

A multiple liner...

Seeing as it's Christmas we thought we'd ask that you spare a thought for poor old Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a pub in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be ?3 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be ?4 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra ?4. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you ?2."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of ?4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another ?4."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be ?2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a pub is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only ?1 per second, or part there of".
"I will never use this pub again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only pub in England selling pints for ?3."
Have a good Christmas...