O/T Friday neet joke thread ( 18+ please don't read if easily offended)

[Back of the net]

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

[Brin]

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."

Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

[Brin]

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

[Brin]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's p.enis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my p.enis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's arse and lets get the hell out of here."

[Brin]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

[Brin]

What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard?


A new last name.

[Brin]

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

[Ronners]

I was going to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff; I looked down and noticed I was above a nudist beach.......
So I tossed myself off.

[Ronners]

Breaking News:

The managing Director of Dulux Paints has died of hypothermia whilst trecking across the Antarctic......
Paramedics said he could have done with another coat.

[Ronners]

I asked my son why he wants to marry so young. He said it's so he can have *** whenever he feels like it... He's in for quite a surprise.