of a dingy Cheshire pub, Steve Agnew knocks tentatively on a closed door,

'Er, Boss...that bloke who got Bournemouth relegated, he's only gone and....'

'SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP..i know, alright, I KNOW!'

*sounds of diarrhoea quacking and splattering the cracked, stained porcelain bowl

Ok, Boss, I'll leave you to it.

Agnew turns and leaves.

The sound of a lightbulb popping, a muffled curse from inside the toilet, followed by the unmistakable sound of an empty toilet roll holder spinning, mocking the fingers desperately scrabbling for any last scrap.

'Steve, there's no bog roll...Steve, STEVE!!!....