O/T Dad Jokes 11

[phild]

Hopefully to make ya smile whilst watching yet another tedious England performance
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I'm giving away all my used batteries today.
Free of charge

I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can also write other words too.

My wife said she'd leave me unless I stopped making photography puns...
I said "Snap out of it, don't be so negative, let's see how things develop!"
Her face was a picture! She was out of the house in a flash

A lorry loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the motorway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.

Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn for 24 hours.
So they called it a day.

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I?ve heard nothing since.

In Iran, many people are scared of spiders.
But in Iraq, no phobia.

Tripped and hit my head on a snare drum, and now l think I have a percussion.

The greatest difference between a man and woman is the meaning of: "What an ass."

Me: looking at a barn full of feed.
?Who's all that for??
Farmer: The cattle eat it.
Me: Wow, that's one hungry cat.

I asked my friend why he gave up his career as a Farmer.
He said he chose the wrong field.

I accidentally spilled invisible ink all over myself.
Now I'm at the hospital waiting to be seen.

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
He said: "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.

"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

My dad was showing me his tool shed, and pointed to a ladder.
"That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder

[Dubbag]

A lorry loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the motorway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.

[kettering_baggie]

Excellent!

[yoonited]

Spit or swallow?